Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
