i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You are the jesus of drinking
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
