I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
