She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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