The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
