Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
