I'm lost and stupid without you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
