i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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