let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
