I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
