I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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