I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
