There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
