The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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