just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
