Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
