Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Im part way to drunk.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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