I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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