Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
