Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you mean i was at the winter classic?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
