im about as happy as oj after his trial
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
