so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
