please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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