Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
