So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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