Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
