Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
