So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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