Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
