You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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