Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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