My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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