i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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