Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
