i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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