He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
