My liver just broke up with me...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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