I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
