Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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