I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just found puke in my bra..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
