i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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