They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
