he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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