i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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