Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
