I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
