How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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