Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
pop tarts are not kleenex
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
