If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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