I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
