Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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