I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
